In the Silence (post-TROS Reylo) ON HOLD DUE TO COVID-19
by NinesHeukie
Summary: WARNING: MAYOR TROS SPOILERS AHEAD, IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED YET DON'T READ! This story starts where TROS ended. Rey is left heartbroken and all alone. She feels lost. How can she move on with her life, knowing it will never be the same again? She and Ben had finally found eachother, only to be torn apart ruthlessly moments after. But what if Ben were somehow still alive...?
1. Chapter 1: Sorrow

So here we go, my very first fanfiction. This story is very slow paced, but we_ will_ get to the good stuff, I promise ;). After watching The Rise of Skywalker, I left the theatre somewhat confused and not fully satisfied. I am CONVINCED Ben Solo deserved better. It was good, yes, but also very rushed.

I also (used to?) make series on YouTube (under the same alias) using the Sims 3 (yeah.. I know) and someday maybe, _MAYBE_, I'll turn this story into one as well. But I'll need better equipment before I can do that lol. Same reason why my YT channel has been dead silent for the past 3 years *whoops*

You're set up for being pulled on your heartstrings in this one, as I won't make it too easy on them to get back together *mwhuhuhaha* HEA guaranteed tho!

The song that was my inspiration for all this was In the Silence by J.P. Cooper, go check it out, it's really good!

Disclaimer:  
I do not make any money doing this, nor do I intend to. Star Wars and all it's characters belong to Lucasfilm/House of Mouse respectively. No copyright infringement intended.

Little footnote: Sorry if there are any spelling/grammar errors. English isn't my native language. The story is rated T for now, but may upgrade to M due to smut, because I'm trash.  
Buckle up, enjoy and let me know what you think!

P.S. Adam Driver is bae, and that's science! Fight me ;P

* * *

Chapter 1: Sorrow

_I've been seeking silver linings, feeling incomplete. Oh I wish it didn't taste so bittersweet.__  
_

* * *

There she stood, after all that had happened on Exegol. She felt like she would never be the same again. As she watched the dual suns set over the rolling desert dunes of Tatooine, she pondered. She wanted to sort out what exactly had happened. She hadn't quite wrapped her head around it.  
'Why don't you go back to the ship, BB-8? Start getting things ready, I'll be there soon.' BB-8 chirped excitedly in response and the little ball-droid rolled off.

Even though she longed for solitude greatly, she didn't dare to be fully alone. She was grateful Poe insisted she bring BB-8 with her. For she feared the loneliness would be so much worse than what she had always experienced on Jakku. It was because of the crippling silence she felt in her entire being at this very moment..

The past years, from the moment they got into eachothers heads on Starkiller Base, she had sensed him, heard him, felt him. Wherever she went, he was always with her. She could feel what he felt. And as the bond grew stronger, she could sometimes even hear his thoughts.  
At the time she was scared, what if he was aware of such bond? She didn't dare reveal to him that she was able to hear him. What if he were to manipulate her? Chase her? But he never did. Not until after the battle of Crait that was...  
_Don't be afraid, I feel it too_ she heard the memory of his voice inside her head. The circumstances at the time were wholly different, yet the memory of his voice made her heart soar. If only he had known the meaning of what he had said..  
He was always in the back of her mind, lingering, listening, waiting. Until she, unknowingly, reached out and he first appeared to her.

Now for the first time in ages, her mind was quiet. It unnerved and saddened her greatly. He was gone, and not coming back. A single tear trickled down her cheek.

She knew it was her duty to go out into the galaxy and train an all new generation of Jedi. Yet she felt so broken, so torn apart inside. She couldn't bring herself to do it. Not yet, maybe never.  
Her heart was filled with sorrow, for when she had finally found him, _really_ found him, she had lost him. Part of her soul died with Ben.

Ben. It had always been Ben. Even before she had touched the Skywalker lightsaber and saw her first vision of him. She was reminded of his intense, pleading eyes that mirrored his mothers'. The strong, unusual features in his face. In retrospect, she had always felt drawn to something, someone. But never dared to act on it, in fear of missing her parents' return.

Her parents. After all that had happened, she still didn't know who they were. The only thing she knew was that they were... well... Palpatine. As soon as she found out her true heritage, she swore to renounce the name and her family altogether. Anything but being Palpatine. Anything but being looked upon as the granddaughter of the greatest Sith lord that had ever been, Darth Sidious.

To honor her former Masters, Luke and Leia, she decided to be Skywalker from there on out. Though it didn't feel quite right, as she wasn't a Skywalker by blood. They'd given her everything she never had. Family, purpose, a sense of belonging.

And now, she felt more lost than ever, all alone. Han was gone, Luke was gone, Leia was gone, Ben was gone... She still had Finn, Poe, Rose.. But they could never fully grasp what she was going through, being the only Jedi master in the entire known Galaxy.

She felt something creeping up on her and was startled greatly. _REY!_ she heard all of a sudden, more a gust of wind than an actual voice. As old Jakku habits die hard, she cried out and drew her golden lightsaber. In an attempt to chase the intruder away, she lashed out.

There it was again. The silence. The crippling silence.. Her lightsaber fell out of her hand and powered down before it touched the sand. Tears welled up in her eyes as she felt her breath stirring in her chest, as if she were preparing to scream. She fell to hear knees as she uttered a heartwrenching sob.


	2. Chapter 2: The Void

Authors note:

Oh, forgot to mention, if you're really into these kind of Reylo fanfics, go check out Meet me in the Grey by JJBattleX. Even though it is a post-TFA fic, It is soooo good and inspired me a lot.

Anyway, enjoy and let me know what you think!

* * *

Chapter 2: The Void

_So enamoured, stutter, stammered, oh my voice was broke._

* * *

He opened his eyes while laying flat on his back "Where am I?" he thought. Around him was nothing but Darkness. He couldn't tell up from down, left from right. Yet somehow there seemed to be some kind of floor, he felt it beneath his hands. As he sat upright, the sentence "What happened?" dwelled through his conscience. He stood up and rubbed his temples.

There. He sensed it. The silence inside his being. Where he once would have begged for such silence, his mind filled with the poison and lies of Supreme Leader Snoke, no..., Darth Sidious, he now dreaded the very same silence with every fibre in his body. For it meant he wasn't able to hear her anymore. Then, everything started to come back to him.

* * *

The only thing he saw was her, laying on the ground inside the Sith temple on Exegol. Her body lifeless. Then, as he had rushed his heavily injured body toward her as fast as he could and pulled her in his arms, he remembered how heartbroken he had felt.  
Finally she would be with him. Finally she would take his hand because _finally,_ he had allowed himself to return to the Light and become Ben Solo once more. But she was gone.

He couldn't bear to live on without her. He needed her more than anything, more than oxygen. Tears welled up in his eyes.  
That's when he remembered what Rey did on the old remnants of the Second Death Star, when his mother had interfered. Rey had healed him, saved him from certain death.

He let her go of their embrace, closed his eyes and placed one of his ridiculously large hands on her stomach, mimicking what she had done to him. He felt his breath slow down as he concentrated on Rey, only Rey, always Rey. He focused on her lifeforce, imagining her strength, the beat of her heart, her hand _finally _firm in his...

Hours could have passed, but it could have been seconds as well, he wasn't sure. He was in deep meditation and lost all sense of time. That was when he suddenly felt her fingers trail over the back of his hand, and his eyes shot wide open.  
Before him lay Rey, her eyes a warm hazel and full of life. She sat up and looked him right in his eyes. He couldn't stop himself from looking at her.

'Ben' she uttered softly, her smile beamed so bright it could light a thousand systems. Then she carressed his face and leaned into him and claimed his lips with hers. He was as surprised as she was certain. He didn't hold back though, or push her away. He allowed himself this tiny slice of joy, even though he knew he wasn't even remotely worthy of it. Of her.

He felt she was about to break the kiss, but he moved his hand toward the nape of her neck, longing for this moment to last. When their lips finally parted, he smiled. He couldn't remember the last time he smiled. It felt so alien yet so completely familiar, to smile in her presence. With her, he was home.

He did it, he brought Rey back! He was overcome with joy. Now she would finally take his hand and... The smile faded from his face as he felt his muscles shut down.  
No. No, no, no, NO! If he could've screamed it, he would have.  
His vision became blurry and he fell to his back. He felt Reys hand clutching firmly onto his as he closed his eyes forever. On the inside he was screaming. He wasn't ready to leave her.

_'Ben..' _ he heard inside his head. It wasn't Reys voice, he was certain of it. He was too far gone to recognize whom the voice did belong to, and wondered who it could be, as he let out his last breath and vanished from existence. A sense of nothingness and tranquility washed over him.

* * *

Re-experiencing the memory had brought him to his knees, clutching himself in pain that exceeded the physical.  
'I had her' he whispered, tears streaming down his face. It wasn't fair. Though he couldn't imagine a monster like him being worthy of her.

Suddenly he heard _HER._

'I'm Rey.. Rey Skywalker'

He shot straight up and started running toward the source of her voice. Sensing immense grief radiating from her. He was able to feel her again! He felt his heart flutter in his chest as he felt their bond thrum to life and he ran, and ran, but didn't see anything. He tried to reach out to her, telling her he was coming for her, but he couldn't. As soon as he tried to, he stumbled upon a mental barrier he didn't see a way around.

He saw a white dot in the distance, and urged himself to run even faster. Air was burning in his lungs. His mind battering against the wall of the bond. As he drew closer he saw the white dot was actually a portal, and inside the portal, Rey stood amidst the sand, her back facing him.

'REY!' he uttered with a thunderous roar, but she didn't seem to hear him. He kept running and screaming her name, nothing. He had almost reached the portal, was ready to reach out...

He crashed into it, as if ramming against a closed door. He collapsed.

He got up as fast as he could as he tried desperately to tap into his Force powers to pry the portal open, nothing. He slammed his full weight into it, nothing. He kept hammering onto it. Desperate to get to her. 'REY!' he screamed again, even louder this time.

Then he saw Rey jumped up, as if she were startled awake from deep thought. She heard him! She turned around with a ferocious roar, a golden lightsaber ablaze. Ben braced himself to slam into the portal once more, as she cut the portal clean in two and vanished, leaving Ben to fall to his face.

He could catch himself with his hands just in time, as he rolled up into a ball and cried bitter tears. He didn't understand. Rey had rejected him, again. He wished for the nothingness around him to consume him, take him with it into oblivion.

* * *

As he lay there in the Darkness he felt a presence stirring around him. _'I am so proud of you, Ben_' the sound of the voice carressed his raw nerves, soothing them to touch. It was the same voice he heard right before he died. And now, he knew who it was.

'Mother...' he whispered.


	3. Chapter 3: Revelations

_Like a poor man stood before the Queen, I tripped over my tongue before I spoke._

* * *

Leia walked toward him and got to her knees, taking his face in her hands, lifting his chin so he would look at her '_Ben, my dear Ben. You're back. You did it!'_ he saw his own eyes looking back at him. There was only one difference, his mother was a Force ghost, he was not...

Suddenly he felt like a boy again, longing for his mothers' comfort. He flung himself toward her as his long arms wrapped around her, burying his face in her lap, and sobbed. 'I'm so sorry!' he uttered between sobs. He felt his mother carressing his hair and rubbing his back, just like she used to do when he was a child.

'I'm so sorry, about everything!' he uttered again.

'_If someone needs to be sorry, it's me. I failed you greatly. I should have known it was Palpatine all along, poisoning your mind with his whispers... Ben..' _She said while shaking her head. _'Ben, my son, listen to me.', _the concern in Leia's voice made the hair on his arms stand upright.

He lifted his head to face her, his eyes puffy and bloodshot from crying. He resented himself. The once mighty Kylo Ren reduced to tears... He immediately pushed the thought away with vigor, that wasn't who he was anymore. His mother cupped his cheek, wiping away his tears.

'_Ben, she cannot hear you_. _You are in the World between Worlds._'

* * *

Leia could sense the confusion radiating from her son. He unlocked himself from their embrace and remained silent for a long time. He sat himself down, crossed legged, facing his mother. All the while he hadn't made eyecontact with her. He rested an elbow on his knee and rubbed his chin.

'Am I not dead then?' he asked hesitantly, finally looking Leia in the eyes.

She shook her head and he became even more confused. 'But, how? I do not understand. I felt myself fading away!' he said with a raised voice. He stood up and briskly started pacing. A habit he had picked up in his time as the leader of the Knights of Ren, where doubt, heartache and the pull to the Light followed him wherever he went. Though this time, that wasn't the reason for his anxiety. He couldn't quite put a finger on it.

Leia folded her hands in her lap, her eyes facing the ground. Now it was her turn to remain silent. As if she didn't know how to formulate what she was about to say.

Ben stopped pacing and looked over his shoulder toward his mother, awaiting response. He was about to explode. Patience had never been one of his strong suits, a trait he had inherited from his father. A trait which had proven highly combustable in Ben. He took a deep breath in attempt to calm the storm within, with no succes.

At long last his mother looked up to find his eyes. She had a sad yet determined look on her face.

'_When you.. passed, you heard someone, didn't you?_' she asked.

'Yes' he answered curtly, clenching his fists. How was this supposed to help him understand?! Fire burned within him. She better have a good explanation!

_'It..'_ his mother started,_ 'It was me.'_

That's it. He was done with her speaking in riddles. 'I KNOW!' he shouted, 'Speak plainly, woman! How am I to understand all this?' fire shot from his eyes as he felt the Dark Side creeping up on him and greeted him like an old friend. He was losing control.

_'Will you SIT DOWN and ZIP IT! I'm still your mother!'_ Leia looked at him with a fire that matched his own. Her voice laced with the strength of the Force. Ben snapped out of it and refrained himself, immediately regretting his outburst. He sat back down. _'You done?'_ she asked, one eyebrow raised.

What? How? How did he just lose himself like that? He shook his head in disbelief. He wasn't unfamiliar with losing himself in his rage, though this time it was vastly different. This time, he hadn't been in control. As he finally started to feel more like himself, it began to make sense. Who wouldn't go mad in a place like this?

'Sorry mom, it's this place.. I feel it consuming me, bit by bit. It.. It's getting to me.' he confessed at last.

She looked at him with understanding in her eyes. '_I'm sorry, too. I'm not sure how to explain all this.' _ She took a deep breath. '_When Rey saved you, you both heard me, didn't you? That's why Rey healed you. I too was very weak, but the action didn't cost me my life. Not yet._' she looked at Ben, trying to gauge whether he still followed. He nodded.

'_Now, when you saved Rey, you actually DID give your life. As you were too weak and injured to keep both her and yourself alive. I was close to dying, too. I used the very last of my powers to save you, Ben. To keep you from dying' _Leia paused_. 'But I was too late, you were already fading... That is why you ended up here, I am so, so sorry.'_

She looked down again, her head hung heavy with sorrow.  
'_I do not know how to get you out of here. But there are people here who do. Find them, Ben, find them and get back to Rey. She needs you. You need eachother._' and as she uttered those last words, she started fading._ ´May the Force be with you, my son.'_

Ben jumped up 'NO! Don't go, mom! Stay, please! I need you! I.. I..' his mother had dissapeared. _'I know.',_ he heard his mothers voice in his mind. He could hear the smile in it.

Once again he found himself alone, confused and heartbroken in the void that called itself the World between Worlds.

* * *

_Author's note:_ Bring out the tinfoil hats! I have a theory!  
Though Leia's death-scene was beautifully done and a worthy homage to a great actress, Carrie Fisher, may she rest in peace, I don't believe that was the actual end of Leia. Keep in mind, she was a fully trained Jedi, so her death should result in her disappearing on the spot. She didn't though.  
Anyway, I strongly believe she wasn't actually dead. In the film, she only disappeared when Ben did, so here goes:

I believe she mustered the very last of her powers to save him from death, then Leia ACTUALLY died and disappeared. (there, I've said it)

Ofcourse it was later explained by the filmmakers Leia was waiting for Ben so she could take him home, but I choose to omit that. This is my take on the story, so canon can blow me, dammit! xD

p.s. I've put this note in later than the chapter was actually released, so early readers might not have read this. Sorry ^^' ENJOY!


	4. Chapter 4: Beautiful Nightmare

_Author's note:_ Is it just me or are there any other authors who spend more time finding the right music to write to than they actually spend writing? LOL  
Anyway, after doing some research I found out the average chapter contains about 3000 to 4000 words, mine have barely reached 1000 so far(please don't hate me). I will try and make the chapters longer from now on. For my own sake, for the stories' sake and ofcourse for yours. Here's chapter 4, enjoy! (and also, reviews please? :D)

* * *

_Used to share that feeling, dreaming. Gazing at the bedroom ceiling__, __oh now I lay here wishing you'd come home_

* * *

She was startled awake, as she felt something repeadetly bumping into her leg. She was about to scream when she saw it was BB-8. Adrenaline still raced through her bloodstream and her heartrate was through the roof.

'BB-8! You scared me, idiot!' She yelled. BB-8 sounded like he was highly offended.

She looked around, flustered and desorientated. Had she really cried herself to sleep in the sand? She tried to shake it off and answered: 'You're right, I'm sorry. Let's go.' She got up letting out a groan and wiped the sand from her clothes and face. She would need to use the refresher as soon as she got on board, as the sand had caked to her face because of her tears.

She walked back to the ship while asking BB-8 to go ahead and fire up the engines of the _Millenium Falcon_. BB-8 beeped frantically.

'Yes buddy, I promise.' Rey sighed.

As she approached the Correlian freighter, she slowed down and felt a pang of guilt in her heart. The ship was given to her by Chewbacca and Lando Calrissian, as a token of gratitude. Though it didn't belong to her. It never would. It belonged to.. _him_. She swallowed through another load of tears. She wondered if she would ever run out of tears for him. _Probably not_, she thought.

She urged herself onward and lowered the gangplank. She had just slept, but she was still bone tired and longed for sleep greatly. As she walked into the ship her feet felt like they were made of lead.

* * *

She had made her way to the cockpit and plopped herself on the pilot seat and let out a sigh. Wow, she really needed a good night's sleep. She sent a silent prayer to the Force begging for a quiet night of sleep. In vain, probably, as the nightmares were becoming so much worse. She didn't think that it was possible, but it was.

A high security long-range comm was installed aboard the _Falcon_. She attempted to reach Poe –who had been elected to serve as the new General- as she didn't know where the Resistance was based now. Luckily, he came in.

'If it isn't the hero of the Resistance. I'm glad to see you. What's up?' Poe paused, 'Rey, are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost!' Dameron's face was riddled with worry.

Rey smiled weakly, it didn't reach her eyes though. 'Well, you won't believe it if I tell you, but I actually did see one or two.' she replied. It dawned on her she hadn't properly smiled since Exegol.

'You WHAT? Do you need me to come get you?' _Right_. Poe didn't know that much about the Force, let alone Force ghosts. She didn't feel like explaining.

'No, it's fine. Never mind. I'll explain later' she sighed,

'Are you sure you're okay?' Poe was still very worried.

_I most certainly am not_, she thought, but she shrugged it off. 'Yes, I'm okay, I think. I'm about to take off, but some coordinates would come in mighty handy. Where are you guys?' Rey asked.

'The remains of the Resistance are now based on Takodana, by the grace of Maz Kanata. Me, Finn, Chewie and Rose are still here, though most of us have gone home. Don't expect much when you get here.' Poe warned.

_Of course_, she thought. _What is the use of a Resistance if there's nothing left to resist_? She hesitated for a moment. She hadn't told them the full story of what happened on Exegol. She had conveniently left out... Ben. If she were to return, she would have to tell them. But then again, she wasn't going to figure it out all by herself. She needed her friends, perhaps now more than ever.

'I'm coming home!' she said, and closed the comm.

* * *

As Rey lifted off Tatooine, she set the coordinates for Takodana and engaged the hyperdrive. Usually, she loved to hear and see the Falcon thrum to life in hyperspeed, this time though, it didn't do anything for her. She wasn't quite sure what to feel right now. _This ship is too big for one person, _she thought. It made her feel even more alone. Rey went ahead and used the refresher.

When she was done, she grabbed her satchel and fumbled in it until she found what she was looking for. A dark grey sweater. The only tangible memory she had of.. _him_. She had taken it with her when she left Exegol.  
She put it on and buried her face in it. It still smelled of him. She took a deep whiff and felt herself relax and become more tense at the same time. It made her miss him even more, though the sheer memory of him made her smile, truly this time.

BB-8 rolled up to her and asked if she wanted to play a game, something to kill the time. It would take them several days, even aboard the fastest hunk o' junk in the Galaxy, to reach Takodana. 'I'm sorry, BB-8, I'm just not in the mood.' Rey said. BB-8 let out a sad, rejected beep and rolled itself into the corner of the room and went into low power mode.

She felt herself grow even more weary and retreated to her bunk. On the wall inside she had etched thirty-seven tally marks, as she always used to do back on Jakku, in the toppled AT-AT she used to call home. Thirty-seven days since she last saw him, thirty-seven days since he dissapeard from this world. Thirty-seven days since he... died.

She should've saved him, or at least she should've tried. She blamed herself for his death. For if it weren't for her, he would still be alive. How was she supposed to live with herself now? Knowing what could have been? Knowing that he never truly got to enjoy his life, his redemption? She would've gladly given her life for him. Instead, he gave his. It all happened so fast, he was gone before she even realised what happened. She should've done at least _something!_

How could she ever be a true Jedi, a true Light side user if she were responsible for someone's death and hadn't done a thing to stop it? She knew in her heart she could never be a true Jedi. She had known too much loneliness, too much hate, too much despair and now, a broken heart was added to that list. Though she couldn't imagine siding with the Dark. For it's not what _he_ would've wanted for her. Her face was wet with tears. Again. Damnit

She vowed she would walk the path of the Light, though not for herself. Not for her friends. Not for the wellbeing of the Galaxy.._ 'For Ben'_ she whispered.

And with those words, as she snuggled into his sweater, she drifted off to sleep with his scent filling her being.

* * *

_She was back on Exegol, she woke up to find herself in Ben's arms. He was in deep concentration. He looked so damaged, yet had never looked so at peace. Her stomach felt warm, and she realised his enormous hand was there. She ran her hand across the back of his, and he was snapped out of his meditation immediately. She sat herself up and Ben looked like he was beaming with happiness.  
__She couldn't help but caress his beautiful, unusual face. She didn't exactly know what she was doing. 'Ben' she heard herself whisper. She leaned in and kissed him._

_She had never felt so whole, so utterly complete. She felt like she had finally found what she was looking for. As they broke their kiss, he smiled. She had never seen him smile before and she was sure it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.  
__She finally got to meet who he really was. Ben Solo. Now that she had found him, she was sure she would never let him go. Ever. _

_The dream shifted as his smile faded. _

_She was pulled away from the scene, and instead of experiencing the memory herself, she was watching from a distance. Though this time, there was something vastly different going on.  
__She could see how her- no - Rey's expession changed to one of pure hatred. Her eyecolor changed to an eerie golden color which she recognized immediately. She had seen it in Palpatine._

_Dream-Rey called her lightsaber to her. Though it wasn't one Rey was familiar with. When dream-Rey ignited it, it was red and double bladed. Like the one she had seen on the Second Death Star. 'Rey?' she heard Ben ask hesitantly.  
_'_I know what I have to do AND I have the strength to do it!' dream-Rey screamed with a screetching voice as she plunged her saber in Bens chest. _

_Rey saw the surprise and fear in Bens eyes as the light in him dimmed. Rey let out a horrified and bloodcurdling scream. Dream-Rey stood up and turned to face Rey. 'You!' Rey hissed as she ignited the blue Skywalker lightsaber. Rey's blood was boiling. She would kill this impostor as soon as she had the chance.  
_'_You might as well have done it, you're the reason why he's dead!' Dream-Rey growled and then vanished._

_Rey rushed herself to Ben, to see if there maybe was a chance. But he was gone. She was too late. She lay down beside him, burying her face in his lightsaber-scorched chest, wishing he would come back. But he never would._

_Once again the dream shifted._

_She was surrounded by darkness, and nothing more. 'What is this place?' she thought. 'Am I dead?' Then, she heard. AND saw. She was watching from a distance again._

'_REY!' she heard Ben scream. He was running toward something, fast. She squinted to focus on whatever it was he was trying to reach. She saw a white outline and inside.. 'Sand? What?' Rey muttered as she tried to focus more. She saw someone standing amidst the sand. Then, she realised. It was HER in the sand. Tatooine. 'What?!' she said in disbelief._

_Before Ben could reach her, it looked like he collapsed against an invisible wall. He frantically bashed into it, desperate to reach her. 'REY!' he screamed again. Then she saw herself draw her lightsaber and slashing the portal in two. _

* * *

She woke screaming at the top of her lungs. Strands of hair had stuck to her sweaty forehead. She fell out of her bunk with a loud thud while she continued to kick and scream. She snapped out of it when she heard her lightsaber ignite. Had she really called it to her without her being aware of it? She powered it down and sat up, lifting her knees and wrapped her arms around them. She rocked herself back and forth. _It was just a nightmare, just a nightmare. You're safe. It's okay. _She thought to herself in an attempt to calm herself down.

Every night since Ben's death had been like this. Every night it would become worse. She knew she would never know a quiet night's sleep again in her life. She hated it fiercely. _But I deserve it. All of it_. She should have saved him. He was right to haunt her in dreams.

* * *

_A/N: _Yes, yes, I know. The dream was kinda mindfuckey but bear with me. Also, 2100 words, BOOYAH! *insert Obama mic drop gif*


	5. Chapter 5: Memoirs of a Sith

_And though I've never said it with words. There is love.. In the silence._

* * *

Ben was in deep concentration, meditating on how to get back to Rey. He didn't know for how long he had been like that, it could have been days, but mere hours as well. It hadn't paid off, however. He felt as lost as he was when he woke up. He thought he had sensed her presence a moment ago, but it passed as soon as he sensed it. Hope had fluttered in his heart. He concentrated even more. 'Show me the way..' he whispered eventually.

He sensed a presence stirring nearby, though he was certain it wasn't Rey. He reluctantly opened his eyes to see who the intruder was. He was taken aback by whom he saw. He saw a young man, about his age, maybe a little younger. He was a Force ghost. The man had long, dark blonde hair and a scar across his right eye, donned in dark brown Jedi robes of old. Ben thought he recognized him, though he was certain he had never seen him before. 'Who are you? Ben asked as he stared at the man and remained silent, not sure what to do or say. At last, the man spoke.

'_You've asked for my guidance many times before. I couldn't show myself to you. Not yet at least. Now that you have allowed yourself to let the light in you shine through, I can.' _the man stated.  
'Grandfather?' Ben asked hesitantly.  
'_Yes. I've come to show you something. Walk with me.' _Anakin Skywalker instructed as he led the way.  
Ben couldn't imagine a man who looked so normal, so friendly and so surprisingly.. _good _to be capable of doing what Darth Vader had done. Ben stood up, slowly. He followed his grandfather while still feeling very unsure.

'_I sense great confusion in you, what's bothering you?'_ Anakin asked curiously.  
'Isn't that obvious? I'm stuck here with no way out. You don't happen to know where the exit is, do you?' Ben said in an attempt to lighten the mood. Anakin chuckled.  
'_There once was an exit, you know. Ezra Bridger, a Jedi padawan, destroyed it many years ago.'_ What? It sounded like his grandfather was trying to have casual small-talk with him. It almost seemed hilarious in the current circumstances, but it had sparked Ben's interest nonetheless.  
'Why did he destroy it?' he asked eventually.  
'_The Emperor attempted to use this place to gain more power. Bridger stopped him from doing so.' _Ben nodded and Anakin continued: '_The World between Worlds is a vast place. It is a place of what has been, what is and what will be. But the future is very erratic, as it can change drastically by the slightest turn of events.' _He warned.

It felt like they were turning a corner, but it was hard to tell in the darkness that surrounded them. Ben was surprised to see what he saw. There were portals, many portals. Like the one he had seen Rey in. In every single one, a different scene was shown. They walked by many. Ben didn't know where to look, as there was so much to be seen.

Ben lingered in front of one portal. He saw himself as a young man. In watching the memory, Ben recalled the despair he felt then. It was the day his uncle, Luke Skywalker, had betrayed him. It was also the day he had turned to the Dark side, a memory he thought he had long supressed and forgotten. But nothing could be farther from the truth. Seeing the memory reopened old wounds.  
In the memory, he saw himself aboard a transport, on his way to the First Order. He sat in a corner, alone, on top of a crate. On the other side of the ship, the other padawans Ben had brought with him sat brotherly together. They laughed, their mood was festive. These were the men that would one day become _his_ Knights of Ren. Ben had never felt so alone in his life. Not up until then, that was.

Anakin stood behind him and lay a hand on Ben's shoulder. Ben looked away from the portal and his sad eyes met his grandfathers'. A knowing look lay in those wise, blue eyes. _'I heard them too, when I was starting to turn.'_ He paused as he squeezed Ben's shoulder_ 'I still sense much shame in you, for giving in to those whispers. Look, you can try to hide from it, but it will always come back to haunt you, if you do not embrace it. It is done, you can't change it. You cannot go on with your life wondering "What if", it is what destroyed me. Only when Luke came for me, did I let go.' _Anakin admitted. _'Come, there's something I want you to see.' _He said as he continued to walk the corridor of portals. Ben followed. He couldn't shake the feeling the memory has stirred in him.

After walking by many portals, in which some Ben had seen familiar memories as well as ones that were completely alien to him, Anakin spoke. _'We are very much alike, you and I. It was despair and a feeling of betrayal that made us turn. Though our motives were different. Do you know why I turned?' _his grandfather asked.  
'You were frustrated in the way the Jedi handled things, and you tried to seek more power. Or at least, that is what I've read in the archives of the Empire.' Ben admitted.

'_It is true, though there is much more to it than that. When I was still Obi-Wan's apprentice, my mother was taken from me in a horrible, horrible way. I loved her.' _Anakin had to look away and swallowed _'When my wife, Padmé, told me she was pregnant, I started having visions. I saw her die in childbirth over and over. I was determined to do anything and everything that lay in my power to save her from such fate. I didn't want to lose her the way I had lost my mother. But the Emperors whispers had corrupted me. I lost sight of what truly mattered..' _Anakin stopped walking. _'This is our stop.' _ He said, his shoulders hung low.

Ben walked closer. He looked inside and all he could see at first were nothing but flames. 'What is this?' Ben asked.  
'_This is where I turned.' _Anakin admitted, _'Watch' _he instructed.

* * *

_A chrome coloured spacecraft touched down on the landing bay. The gangplank of the ship lowered and a woman ran out, wearing a kaki coloured tunic. She was heavily pregnant. Ben knew who she was, as the resemblance with his mother was uncanny. Padmé Amidala. She was running toward Anakin, and he was running toward her. They embraced. It seemed so out of place, such a tender caress between all the flames and smoke. It reminded Ben of Exegol where he and Rey, in the remnants of the Sith temple, had kissed._

'I saw your ship' _He heard Anakin say as they broke their embrace. _'What are you doing out here?' _his voice sounded so very different than what Ben had heard up until now. It was full of despair, paranoia and.. hate.  
_'I was so worried about you, Obi-Wan told me... terrible things.'_ His grandmother sounded so concerned, it reminded Ben of the last time he had spoken with his mother. _

'What things?'_ Anakin snapped.  
_'He said you turned to the Dark side, that you.. killed younglings!'_ Padmé said, horrified by the thought alone.  
_'Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me.'_ Anakin stated in a cold, absentminded manner.  
_'No, he cares about us!' 'Us?' _He interrupted.  
_'He knows, he wants to help you. Anakin... All I want is your love'_ She said resolutely, as if she wanted to take him home then and there.  
_'Love won't save you, Padmé, only my new powers can do that.'_ Ben was surprised at how arrogant his grandfather sounded._

'But at what cost? You're a good person, don't do this!' _Padmé begged.  
_'I won't lose you the way I lost my mother. I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi has ever dreamed of and I'm doing it for you. To protect you.' _He seemed to believe what he was saying. _

'Come away with me, help me raise our child. Leave everything else behind while we still can!'_ Padmé wouldn't go down without a fight.  
_'Don't you see? We don't have to run away anymore! I have brought peace to the Republic, I am more powerful than the Chancellor. I can overthrow him!' _The belief in his own words was terrifying, given how horribly wrong they were. _'And together you and I can rule the Galaxy, make things the way we want them to be!'_ A shiver ran down Ben's spine. The similarities between him and his grandfather were frightening. He recalled he had once done the very same with Rey. _

_Padmé looked at him in disbelief, as she slowly backed away from him. _'I don't believe what I'm hearing...'_ she shook her head, _'Obi-Wan was right! You've changed..' _Ben had seen his fair share of frightened people, but the fear he saw in his grandmother's eyes was one he wouldn't forget.  
__Anakins jaw tightened, and rage was boiling within him. _'I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me, don't you turn against me!'_  
_'I don't know you anymore..'_ tears welled up in Padmé's eyes. _'Anakin, you're breaking my heart... You're going down a path I can't follow!'_ she said as her voice broke.  
_'Because of Obi-Wan?'_ Anakin asked. It didn't seem to bother him at all what Padmé was trying to say.  
_'Because of what you've done, what you plan to do!'_ She said in an accusing tone. 'Stop now! Come back! I love you.' She pleaded one last time.  
_'LIAR!'_ Anakin's anger had taken him. _

_Ben's attention was shifted to the gangplank of the ship once more. On top, stood a young Obi-Wan Kenobi._ 'No!'_ Padmé exclaimed.  
_'You're with him! You brought him here to kill me!'_ Anakin yelled as he walked toward Padmé and Force-choked her. Ben was shocked to his very core, wasn't this supposed to be the woman Anakin loved?  
_'Let her go, Anakin!' _Obi-Wan said in an authoritarian tone.  
__Anakin's grip only seemed to intensify. _'Anakin...' _Padmé whispered softly.  
_'LET. HER. GO!' _Kenobi stated again. Anakin let go, Padmé gasped and then collapsed. _

* * *

Ben was snapped out of the memory and looked at his grandfather in disbelief.  
'_I hope you don't think any less of me now. It is my most painful memory. As long as I lived, until the moment my son came for me, this has haunted me.' _Anakin's head hung heavy with sorrow.  
'Why did you want me to see this?' Ben was still very shocked. He couldn't believe what he had just seen. It was far worse than anything he had ever imagined.  
'_I let my lust for power take the best of me. Saw conspiracies where they weren't. It all began in an attempt to save her, but, as you can see, I failed miserably.' _Anakin tried to avoid Ben's gaze.

'I still don't understand, why did you show me this?'  
'_You achieved what I never could. I should never have been the Chosen One. You on the other hand, should've been.'  
_Ben became even more puzzled to what his grandfather was saying. Before Ben could open his mouth, his grandfather spoke again.

'_Once, your biggest fear was that you wouldn't live up to me, correct? You were determined to finish what I started.' _Anakin looked Ben right in the eyes, then continued: _'And you did.'  
_'How do you mean?'  
'_You succeeded where I failed. You saved the woman you care about. And in doing so, you brought Balance to the Force.'  
_All pieces fell into place. 'Rey...' Ben whispered.  
'_You love her, don't you?'  
_'With everything I have in me' Ben admitted. It dawned on him he had never said that out loud before. Great, another regret added to the list.

Anakin smirked. _'I am positive that you will find your way out of here. Embrace what you have done, what you have achieved. Meditate on it, that is all the guidance I can offer. This is a little out of my area of expertise, you know.' _The mischievous twinkle had returned in his eyes. It made him look so young and so innocent.  
'_Remember. You were the one to restore the Balance. You. Not me. I'm so proud of you.' _And with those words, Anakin lay a hand on Ben's cheek. _'May the Force be with you.'  
_'And with you,' Ben replied. Then, Anakin dissapeared.

* * *

_Author's note:_ Did I just include a full scene from Revenge of the Sith? Yes. Yes I did. Did I just use the Hayden Christensen rendition of Anakin? Yup. Guilty as charged :P (Sorry I just like Hayden's better than the Sebastian Shaw one)  
Unpopular opinion maybe, but I've always thought the prequel trilogies were pretty good, actually. Yes, dialogue sounded very forced from time to time but the overall story adds so much to the entire Skywalker arc. Or at least, that's my humble opinion. It's okay if you don't agree.  
Anyway, we're now about four? Five? Maybe six? chapters away from our Dyad having their reunion. Stay tuned and let me know what you think! I LOVE reviews!


	6. UPDATE

Sooo this virus is keeping things busy, huh? Well I sure as hell am. I work in food production and a lot of my co-workers are at home in self isolation, either with mild symptoms, immunocompromised or simply too scared to leave their homes. I don't blame them.  
This does however mean that I am busier than ever. I still have to go to work because food production is deemed essential. Next week for example, I'll be working 6(!) graveyard shifts, we're desperately trying to restock after all the hoarding/panic buying/stockpiling that has been going on.

This brings me to my announcement, and it pains me to say, but for now I won't have the time or mental capacity to be writing. Also I'm moving next month, so even less time to catch my breath.  
This means that as long as this quarantine/working extra shifts etc. is going on, I won't be writing.. I'm very, very sorry.

So this is goodbye, for now. I will however return once things calm down.

Everybody stay safe, stay healthy and keep an eye out for each other. We're in this together.

May the Force be with you,

NinesHeukie


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